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Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in Schizophrenic's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, April 15th, 2014
10:54 pm
Writer looking for help
Hi friends.
I'm an Alaskan-based writer writing a book based on schizophrenia.
I take fairytales and turn them into real-life situations; this is my second book, and will be based off of Sleeping Beauty & the Seven Dwarves.

I am not diagnosed, so I need to research as much about the illness as possible. I want to understand everything; how it affects you. What it makes you feel, hear and see. What you've been through.

I know you're more than your illness. Help me show the rest of the world.

You may contact me here or at pattersonproofreading@gmail.com.


Current Mood: inspired
Friday, November 26th, 2010
5:59 am
pitch black

wise old ghosts berate and advise
whisper suspicions and opinions in their ears,
while young spirits torture them
and keep them still,
making solitude a living nightmare, but,
even in the pitch black they keep on talking,
chatting away about this and that, and the other,
trying to work out
just exactly what the fuck is going on.
when they should be
planning a bank heist
or praying to the stars
or tending a campfire
or caring for the kids
or phoning a friend...

they know worse than this...

they've seen it all before

and they haven't slept for days;
running on pure adrenalin and booze

the eye, fascinated
by this unusual and inappropriate behaviour.
hums in their ears
like the high pitched whistle of an old television.
the sandman arrives merciful, but is banished
like a guillotine
1,2,3 times.

they are dying to live
and living to die
and being way too cool
Sunday, June 20th, 2010
7:50 am
you're a star
november 1995 - hill end psychiatric hospital, st.albans

it was the end of a beautiful friendship that set me off, that and my stupid,
stubborn, vain & curious brain. i stopped looking out and i stared wide-eyed and painful
deeply into the void. my rampant imagination put flesh on the the bones of this
place. the place where spirits go to die. what the hell is he doing here? i guess
they were wondering. how the fuck did he get in here? i had sent myself to hell. no
wonder they were angry. stupid dumbass kid.
brave attempts were made to break me out. henry rollins had good go. the universal
vibration flowed through me and i realised that universes wax and wane and come and
go, but that time is a crude and sketchy map of existance. i guess that visit
probably saved my life, providing a pinprick of light in the blackness. the morning
after it was back to the grind, the snake in my head, the voices berating me from
the street, the knocking on the walls (one for yes, two for no, three for maybe)
sounding like the cries of the damned, giving me a taste of their medicine because
they knew i could not help them. i was just a tourist. you can't blame them really.
they slowly wore me down as i tried to chain smoke my way out of it. until i was a
hollow shell brimming with hell. i managed to muster enough sanity to phone my folks. help.
hell followed me back. there was no escape.
in the depths of my misery i was possessed by the lovely spirit of a small child
(5-6). he wanted me to walk out over the fields. i got stopped before i melted
completely. another light i forgot to remember when attempting to argue the toss
with the allknowing dead.


so i find myself here. in the madhouse. bedlam. the men in white coats came and
took me away. ambulance for one.
and now i know what it is to be deprived of one's sanity. at the moment i'm very
much a public being or a state being, i don't know which.
lights out at 11.30pm so i'm writing this by the light of a luminous squeaky toy
that seems to be the mascot of this place. it appears and reappears in various
different places. who knows where it will be tomorrow. colin was watching it on the
table yesterday. colin is the man who waits and stands and hovers and moves around
the place so slowly that it's only when you go away and come back again that you
can tell he's travelling at all. kind of like the hour hand. hour hand colin.
having said that, colin escaped tonight, but as irony would have it he managed to
escape to another mental hospital a mile down the road.
then there is madeliene or chi chi as she is known. she purposefully strides around
the day room giving day long speeches about something (with jokes) in chinese. the
jokes must be very funny because her laugh is highly infectious.
kathy declared to all within earshot that the world had ended, time was going
backwards, and that it was all her fault. she then collapsed on the floor. i know
how she feels. something to do with an overactive responsibility gland i reckon.
the other day she accused herself of murdering her dog. her dog is alive and well.
chistina sings and dances to the synthesizer hits of abba and cliff richard. she
also does a nice line in christmas carols and songs from the sound of music. i was
thinking what a strange place the world would be if people communicated by singing
songs to each other. it might work. trouble is though christina also tends to
scream rather a lot as in edvard munch's infamous painting.
pill > meal > rest > pill > meal > rest > pill > meal > sleep.
that's the routine of the day here.

the ghosts in this huge victorian place are palpable. they swish around the common
room like nurses. sorting the truely mad from the merely disturbed.
anyone who arrives here is first put in the cell, in case they are dangerous. the
cell is crackling with psychic energy. i sit and chainsmoke until a doctor arrives
to test my reactions. normal apparently. i don't feel normal. i feel decidedly
abnormal. there is an ancient war taking place in my head to which i'm merely a
hapless spectator. occaisionly one of the protagonists will turn and look straight
into my soul and i feel the cavernous ache of this timeless hatred again. the
detrius of an arms race that had gotten way out of hand. moths flying desperately
into flames.
i was saved in that place by i don't know who/ i don't know what. but i'd know them if i ever felt them again, if you know what i mean. i named them lilac. they brought peace. they were lovely.
they soothed my savage mind. i've never really thanked them for that. thank you lilac,
you're stellar.
Sunday, February 7th, 2010
1:57 am
Am I mad to think these things,
To feel the way I feel?
To believe in ghosts and angels
When "reality's" surreal?

The world's interconnected.
Anyone can see;
And I'm here at the centre -
The fat controller - me.

Coincidences don't exist.
The planet's pre-arranged.
Smoke some dope and clench my fist -
It's the others what's deranged.

The T.V.'s telepathic.
The postman's K.G.B.
The radio's empathic.
There's arsenic in my tea.

The junk-mails full of messages.
Mossad's been in touch?
There's anthrax in my sausages
Life really is too much!

The gas-man's come from M.I.5.
His eyes electric blue.
What to do to stay alive?
There's cameras in the loo.

I must out on a mission -
The world, my soul, to save.
No manic intermission.
I'm bold! I'm free! I'm brave!

The sky above is orange;
The street below is black.
The life I live is free-range;
But there's a devil on my back.

Smash a window! Break the spell!
Get the "Busies" swarming.
Crazy antics in a cell.
Sectioned early morning.

Interrogated, medicated,
Movements now staccato.
Worst of all humiliated.
Just what the fuck then are you?

You're no Satan! You're no Christ!
You're just another number.
"You're brains, my dear, they must be sliced!"
Do they come much dumber?

You? Commander of the Gods?
What a crazy notion.
You've lost your clothes, you stupid sod!
And caused a great commotion!

We're all mistaken so they say
At some time or another.
Just one more long schizoid day -
Blame it on my mother!

that was a poem about schizophrenia, which i may have, i have many symptoms these days.
Friday, January 11th, 2008
10:08 pm
now what?
I've been on Geodon for about a month now, and the change is been freaking me out. I was on Risperdal for awhile, then Invega, but they elevated my prolactin levels, so my pdoc thought to try Geodon as that doesn't have the same problems. Well, its been working very well. I used to have visual hallucinations, occasional auditory hallucinations, some OCD, a bit of paranoia, and some delusional and suicidal thoughts along with it. Now, most of it is gone. I've found myself checking everywhere, seeing if there is something there that I am missing, but it seems to be gone. I still have a little background noise, and the dark thoughts are still there, but they are easier to push aside and ignore.

But there is a problem with this. I've been so used to having those things be a part of my life that I don't know how to live without them. I didn't think I would, but I kind of miss them. It feels like part of me is missing now, and it also feels like I've lost some of my creativity. I used to paint a lot, but I no longer feel like doing that, or if I do, I'm not happy with the results. Its like its taken away the bad things, but taken some of the good as well. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel lost.
Sunday, July 29th, 2007
3:07 pm
New Western Mass Recovery Learning Communitiy (x-posted)
Hi all,

I hope this sort of post is okay here, but definitely thought it was relevant!  My name is Sera and I am Co-Director of a new project in Western Mass called the Western Mass Recovery Learning Community (RLC).  Like everyone else who works or volunteers at the Western Mass RLC, I have had (and continue to have at times) significant struggles in my life.  For me, that has meant being a trauma survivor, getting labeled in several different ways by the mental health system, and experiencing some pretty extreme states of depression, etc.

I'd like to share some about the The Western Mass RLC:  This project is all about building a community of people in Western Mass who have lived experience and want to be a part of something where they can get, give and simply be.  We believe that recovery (as it is defined by each individual) is a probability, but not, in many instances, without the opportunity to be a part of something that is meaningful to you and to have the opportunity to build real, meaningful relationships with other people.  When you contact us or come into our Resource Connection Center (RCC), our first priority is to welcome individuals into our community (no 'credentials' checked, we're here for the person, whatever their experience has been).  Our second priority is to hear the individual's story, and learn what supports *they* want.  (Each individual is, after all, the expert on him/herself.)   In addition to wanting to reach out to individuals with lived experience, we'd also like to reach out to students and providers to share our experiences and help people learn different ways of helping and talking about people who are struggling.

From our livejournal home page: 

The Western Massachusetts Recovery Learning Community (RLC) is a new project for individuals with lived experience with a diagnosis of mental illness, with trauma and/or with extreme states of mind. The Western Mass RLC offers peer support to individuals with lived experience as provided by individuals with lived experience through individual and groups supports and the creation of a regional peer network.

Supports include 1:1 support and advocacy, groups, workshops and trainings throughout all four counties in Western Mass. Additionally, a Resource Connection Center (RCC) in Holyoke, MA that offers 1:1 peer support by phone or walk-in, as well as a computer lab, library and meeting room where a variety of workshops and trainings will be held (yoga, art, WRAP, etc.). (Satelite RCCs will be available in the fall in both Berkshire and Franklin counties.)

Our Holyoke RCC opens its doors on Thursday, July 26th. It is located at 187 High Street, Suite 303, Holyoke. Regular hours will include:
Tuesdays 10a-4p
Wednesdays 12p-8p
Thursdays/Fridays 12p-4p
Saturdays 11a-3p

All individuals who work and volunteer (including all managers and directors) for the Western Mass RLC identify as having lived experience.

Contact us at (866) 641-2853  or info@westernmassrlc.org for more info!  You can also check out our lj community (just getting up and running) at westernmass_rlc.
Thursday, July 26th, 2007
1:21 pm
so I quit taking my meds for a few days. I know thats bad but I feel better when I tell myself I don't need meds. that I can live a normal life without having to rely on meds. but I guess I just have to face the fact that I have to take my meds.

see, after not taking my meds for those few days, I was laying down and I had a teddy bear in my hand while I was stretching. all of the sudden I quickly laid the bear down on the bed and started crying. the voices were accusing me of hurting the bear's feelings and told me to rip him apart to make sure he didn't have a heart that I could hurt his feelings. but I didn't rip him apart. do you think the voices are going to get me for not doing what they said????

well I am looking at the bear now and I see on his bow that it is ripped a little bit. I don't remember doing that...
Saturday, March 17th, 2007
10:03 pm
28 days

the doctor that signed me in
was an indian girl not much older than me
she had beautiful henna designs on her hands which i was fascinated by
'i just got married' she smiled
'is he a good man?' i asked
'yes, i think so' she replied

i found a walkman in the waste paper basket
it seemed logical to me
that the first thing i played was
global communication.

when i arrived i was bitter and twisted
chain smoking like a bastard
and mad as the proverbial bag of frogs
but the atmosphere at the madhouse was calm
lovely calm like lilacs
and rock hard clear like quartz.
i just had to sit and appreciate.
and recuperate.

oh the bizarre games of monopoly
with sue , who was want to break out screaming,
eric, who seemed to have his own rule system,
and you.

i forget your name now
it's so long ago.
but we were brothers,
i think they'd pulled you in for being off your tits on mushrooms
and you'd quite liked the insane relaxed atmosphere.
we swapped tapes

and pitied the guy that liked to stand
and sing christmas carols
to the window.
you could wave a hand in front of his face,
'hey richard! wanna play monopoly?'
but he was too far gone.
Saturday, October 28th, 2006
12:04 am
jim cunningham says...

fear is greater than love


Monday, June 26th, 2006
12:00 am
I've been diagnosed... a while ago now. I'm so relieved to have found this community, even though I think I've been wrongly diagnosed maybe I'm just in denial. I'm so pleased to have got the chance to maybe meet you people who may be in the same boat as me, but I'm also scared that certain people are tracking my internet use and are in this community to spy on me. I want to be really open with all you about what my doctor thinks ar emy syptoms so you can tell me if you're going through similar things but I'm scared of who will see this. 

Anyway, hello.
Friday, June 16th, 2006
11:57 am
This week, i saw my p-doc, and he(we) decided to take me off of the Seroquel which i have been on for such a long time. i was on a dosage of 800mg. Now, i am taking none. i seem to be suffering no side-effects from the drop-off, but i am back to having some hallucinations -- some i am having a hard time of ignoring. The problem is that he started me on Risperdal, and on a very low amount of it at that. He told me that the 2mg of it that he has me on has the same effect as about 400 to 500 of Seroquel.

The question in my mind is how i am going to deal with this drop in med defenses against the ghosts which haunt me now. i don't like being reduced in the meds which are most vital to helping me. My therapist suggested Abilify, and when i mentioned this to the doctor, he (more or less) brushed it off as though there were no merit to that idea. He said that the Risperdal i was taking was the same thing (basically,) and there was no need to throw some thing else into the mix. i disagree, but who am i?

Saturday, February 19th, 2005
11:40 pm
I really hate who I am right now
Yea, I was talking to a guy online, yea I know a guy online shouldn't make me hate myself, but he's not the only person who's made me feel this way. Well here's how it got me thinking sadly. I was talking to some random guy online, and he asked me to tell him something that not to many people know about me. So I started talking about all my brain problems, but not all at once, but it ended up me telling him I was a schizophrenic,depressed,OCD,ODD,compulsive liar, so then he goes "I don't think I can talk to you anymore" then he blocked me. So it got me thinking, how in the hell can I live my life witout people knowing I am a total nut job? Like am I sapposed to just keep it all in, and never tell anyone that there is anything wrong with me? I don't even know what my friends that I have now think about me, do they think I am a nut job? Well I know I AM but what do they think of me? It's just so hard. I really dun know what to do.
Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
5:31 pm
I've opened a new communite for psychiatric-related stuff. If you're interested in joining, its at psychhealth. Sorry for cross-posting this.
Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
12:09 pm
I hate to do this, and this is in no ways a way to undermine and steal members from other communities but:

Heylo, I am a Toronto-based New Media artist who suffers from Bipolar Type II. I am collecting stories from other mental illness sufferers to be included in an installation this February 2005. If you are interested in writing about your mental illness and having it anonymously become a piece of art-installation please join at mentalmoments

Thanks for your time.
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